ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
