Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
