I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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