Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I have post one night stand depression
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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