I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
