I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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