if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
