Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
