Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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