Princesses don't give blow jobs
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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