He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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