like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
