How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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