My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
