WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
