Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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