It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
