I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
