I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
