Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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