she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
