I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
sarcasm needs its own font
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
