Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
