you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
