she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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