you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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