I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
