is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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