i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
