I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
