ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
