A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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