the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
