i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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