After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
