Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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