we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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