you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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