dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
