god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
