failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
