He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
did i walk over a car last night?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You ruined the universe
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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