Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize