Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
