direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
