I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
