He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
