Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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