he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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