my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
