I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
