Will you blow on my dice?
literally had 100 drinks last night.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
