Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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