Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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