I just made out with a guy for $7.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
