totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
