dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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