When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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