I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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