i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He passed out mid-signature
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
