I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
