I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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