I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i wish my penis had a tongue
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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