I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
