The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
