I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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