Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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