I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize