i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize