you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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