Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
