Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
