he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
