you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize